Fear

There’s nothing more scary than feeling like at any moment someone could harass or stalk me. Yet that has been my experience for the past year. I wake up in fear not knowing when someone will hurt me. Not knowing when someone will send me threatening notes, letters, or pictures. 

I thought there was nothing I could do. The past few months I’ve lived in paralyzing fear. I was scared to do anything. But in this time I’ve learned a few things. 

I’ve learned that people do not have all access to me. I create my own boundaries. I can ignore people who threaten me. I can set up boundaries if I choose to. But most importantly I can allow myself to feel. I can allow myself to experience the fear and then I can calm myself down using techniques I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I need to allow myself to feel my emotions or else they’re going to bottle up. 

The pat few months I’ve developed an autoimmune disease because of built up stress. It’s been hard for me to process because I’m normally the person who tries to put mind over matter. I push through my feelings and put-up a front and I am to not feel anything. Because the feelings I experience are scary. The feelings are dark. 

I want to be able to ignore them but this isn’t how the body and mind work. They don’t just forget fear. 

I’ve been working on myself; learning how to allow myself to feel and process. I’ve learned with professional help how to process. How to respond when faced with a situation. While I’m not perfect I make mistakes. I was extremely emotional the first few months that I began to process all the emotions I’ve bottled up. I was tired all the time. I cried a lot and fell behind in school. I thought I was getting worse. But slowly I was beginning to process my feelings better. 

I was able to do certain techniques to allow my feeling and then affirm to my body that I was going to be ok. I have the few most incredible people on my side and they have shown me nothing but love as others try to bring me down for their own ego. 

Too often I try to be in control but I’m learning to allow myself to not be in control. I can’t control how other people treat me. I can’t control if my friends and professors are patient with me. I can’t control if other people are patient with me, with my projects. But I will be ok. 

I’m in tune with my emotions. I’m in control of how I respond to the variety of emotions I feel.

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