Things got off to a slow start for me when it came to making friends, especially male friends because I wasn’t really sure how to go about it. It’s been so long since I’ve met guys who are close enough to my age to be platonic friends with. And my experience with platonic male friends hasn’t necessarily been all that positive in the past. But I’ve put myself significantly out of my comfort zone… and now I have an incredible amount of anxiety.
I can’t remember the last time I texted a boy. I was reluctant to even swap phone numbers with some of the guys in my office because I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. (It sounds stupid now, but I was so worried about it.) But, of course, all of the new employees are becoming friends and part of that means exchanging phone numbers. So, I did.
And when the first text came through from one of the guys asking for clarification on a new project we’d been given, I felt my blood rush through my body. I got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. It’s like after Chuck* I can’t look at a guy without wondering how he’ll hurt me later on and it’s a wall I can’t seem to let fall.
Next week our office is having a going away party for some of the staff who are leaving. A few of my new friends have suggested hanging out at my apartment before the party since I live closest to the office. I don’t mind the idea, but it’s been so long since I’ve had a guy in my space that my anxiety is creeping up at the thought of a guy in my apartment.
It’s weird- I feel like even something as simple as letting them into my home would make a wall fall down. Like letting them see where I spend my time outside of work would somehow correlate to letting them see the deepest part of me even though there’s really no comparison.
I talked to one of my best friends about it yesterday and that helped alleviate some of my anxiety. Only time will tell how next week goes. Maybe my anxiety is a good thing- it keeps me alert and on guard. But maybe it’s a bad thing too because it keeps me from letting life happen. Maybe I’ll find a middle ground.