This Is Not For You

Hi. It’s me.
You must have known I’d come for you one day.
Or maybe you’re so audacious and act with such impunity
that you never thought you’d meet karma personified.

Do you think of me every day?
Do I manifest myself in your conscious, your subconscious,
as you so ruthlessly do in mine?
In the darkest hours you summon yourself
much like you did that night.
How willing you are to break into my mind.
You’ve always been eager to trespass.  

I used to have so many questions.
Like why?
Why me?
Was it everything you imagined,
being with the breathing corpse of me?
But you don’t deserve to justify your actions.
It’s my turn to testify.

It’s been four years since I woke up in a nightmare of your design.
My architect of misery.
for you the story ended as i awoke
but for me it was just the beginning.
The natural darkness that hovers around 5 am
matching the unnatural darkness you plunged my mind into;
Your fingers encompassing my wrist
pushing me back down into your bed
filling back in the chalk outline you drew for me.
The wicked game of trick or treat
as you offered me a bowl of aspirin;
The deafening silence of an uber
shattered by continuous gasping;
The cold wetness under my feet
as the sky shed the first tears of the morning; 
Clutching my knees in a shivering bath
the ice blue fabric of my dress crumpling from the bathroom floor into a forensic bag;
the gut punch of reading the words ‘victim’s waiting room’;
the isolation of the room itself;
The roughness of hospital swabs
scraping every cell of my body
inside and outside they moved
at least I consented to these intrusions;
The constant retelling of eleven hours with nine ripped out;
The eternal agony of searching for a memory that doesn’t exist.

You did not ruin just a night for me
I will forever carry this darkness.
You know every inch of me
Yet to me you will always be just a lingering phantom.

Sorry can’t save you now
I don’t owe you a chance to apologise
In fact I owe you nothing while your debt to me grows by the minute. 
I had to bury my past self
Which honestly is a pity for you.
With each resurrection I come back stronger

But you,
You’re only a man.
Did you feel like a great man?
The conqueror of something insurmountable?
You are no champion
You will feel what you deserve

If you think I’m out of order
It’s this system that’s out of order.
A society that sanctifies the rapist
and inherently pardons the sadistic as long as they are powerful;
A society that uses a process of humiliation and degradation
to punish the victim again and again; 
In no other crime in our society
is the burden of proof of innocence placed on the victim. So I ask you:Where is my justice?
If you think I sound angry
you’re fucking right.
I arrived here through a road of mutilation.
You conjured an explicit hell.
From those ashes I rose
A phoenix from a dark place.

I’m not yours to pity. 
I’m yours to fear.

You gave up your rights when you made my body a battleground.
Invading me while all defenses were neutralized.
Now I’m the one to declare a state of war.
You made a grave error when you refused to reckon with who I am.
You are but one of many snakes I will hang from my crown.

You can pray for forgiveness but it’s too late for that.
The worst has already been sent for you. 
It’s time to face the flames.
I am the one to seal your fate. 

Mary Morgan


Original Publish Date: September 6, 2020

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